ARLINGTON, VA – The Department of Defense has reportedly allowed President Donald Trump the use of one nuclear weapon against Hurricane Dorian, a controversial move intended to satiate the President and get the idea out of his system.
“I got several phone calls from [Secretary of Energy] Rick Perry last week asking if it would be cool if the president launched some nuclear weapons at a hurricane, if it looked like one was headed toward the US,” reported General Joseph Dunford, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, adding “of course I said no. But now Dorian is looking like it might hit Florida at Cat Four or Five, and the president won’t let the idea go.”
After several calls and emails from Perry, White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney, and Deputy Administrator of FEMA Peter Gaynor, Dunford has relented, telling the president that he can launch just one nuclear weapon, and to use it wisely.
While the president has the authority to unilaterally launch nuclear weapons without authorization of Congress or the Department of Defense, Dunford has kept that fact a secret from the president, saying “Sure, he could just launch the nukes and we’d be powerless to stop him, but we’ve kind of gotten it into his head that he needs to ask permission from me first, so we’ll just let him go on thinking that. If I let him launch one, I’m hoping he’ll get his rocks off and that will be the end of it.”
Thursday morning, the president told members of the press “this storm is looking real bad, real bad, and if it hits Florida and does a lot of damage, people will ask why I didn’t do something. So this is me doing something, and we’re going to send in one of our best bombs, these bombs are the best, they really are beautiful… and big, big bombs. We’ll say ‘bye bye Dorian’, and the hurricane will be gone.”
Scientists admit that a single nuclear weapon will have absolutely no impact on the hurricane, and that even deploying the United States’ stockpile of over 1800 nuclear weapons would likely make little difference, pointing to the sheer amount of energy released by hurricanes – equal to over 660 Little Boy bombs such as that which was dropped on Hiroshima – every 20 minutes.
According to MIT hurricane expert Kerry Emanuel, Hurricanes are nature’s way of cooling oceans and distributing heat, saying “as destructive as they are, hurricanes serve an important role in global climate and ocean temperature regulation. Dissipating a hurricane before it finishes its job will just lead to the formation of stronger and more frequent storms. Also, dropping nuclear weapons into hurricanes is an asinine idea with so many negative ramifications, I don’t even want to get into it. I just hope the president gets his jollies off and moves on when he sees that his stupid idea doesn’t work.”
As of press time, it has been confirmed that President Trump has selected a MK-83 high yield strategic thermonuclear bomb to deploy to Hurricane Dorian early Saturday morning.