Delaney Wows 20,000-plus Crowd

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Just three weeks ago, pundits had counted John Delaney out – he was attracting small crowds, polling in the low single digits, and seemingly unable to gain traction in the crowded field of democratic candidates. Rumors spread that Delaney’s own staff was urging the former Maryland congressman to drop out, but evidently, Delaney knew something bigger was on the horizon.

Everything changed on Tuesday, when John Delaney took the stage at the Target Arena in Minneapolis before an exuberant crowd of more than 20,000 supporters chanting ‘De-Lane-Y’ in unison.

“Thank you Minneapolis,” exclaimed Delaney as he danced onto the stage to Starship’s We Built This City and delivered a 47-minute stump speech that covered a broad range of topics from healthcare, to supporting the Trans Pacific Partnership, to infrastructure.

“My father was a proud union worker, and he didn’t fight for union rights just to have his healthcare taken away. My uncle wasn’t the CEO of Aetna just so you could have your insurance taken away!” Delaney pronounced to the electrified crowd, often elevating his voice over their thunderous cheers. “This is why I’m proposing BetterCare – you’ll get to keep the insurance you love, but it will be better!”

Delaney, who’s often colloquially called America’s Stepdad, feels confident that he will come out of the primaries on top and go on to beat President Donald Trump in the general election, saying “Americans are clamoring for a president that represents their values and can beat Donald Trump, and they’re finding it in John Delaney.”

Following the rally, crowds of all ages and demographics gathered around large cardboard cutouts of Delaney’s image, eager to get a selfie and sign up to volunteer for the candidate, including college sophomore and self-proclaimed Delaney stepdaughter Megan Clark, who told BeetPress “I’ve always known John Delaney would start to stand out. My friends and I are all huge supporters, so we’re excited to see that his message is resonating with the younger generation. Plus, he’s easy on the eyes for an older guy.”

The presidential hopeful expects that the growing enthusiasm for his campaign will translate to big-dollar donations from some of the largest managed healthcare organizations, pharmaceutical companies, and investment and banking firms in the country.

As of press time, BeetPress has confirmed that after seeing Delaney’s audience count, Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, and Kamala Harris have all withdrawn from the primary race.

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Categories: Politics, Satire

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