SAN FRANCISCO, CA – “We need to save the environment,” says the airport instructional video. “Even if it’s only one square at a time.”
San Francisco International Airport (SFO) has instituted the ban on single-use toilet paper in an attempt to reduce waste and save the planet.
“Ten million miles of toilet paper are flushed every year,” said a spokesperson for the airport. “Just imagine if the paper was multi-purposed first? That’s what we’re trying to do here.”
Unlike other airports, toilet paper at SF International is first used as napkins, post-it notes, or for drying the wings of the planes. The paper is then collected, hand rolled and reused in the public toilets.
“You might get some discoloring on the roll from where someone wiped their mouth or there was some grease,” admitted the spokesperson. “But it will still feel the same on your privates.”
“I’m doing my part!” said a little girl who blew her nose in a tissue and then dropped it into the recycling can. “Now someone can wipe their butt on that too!”
The new policy has been met with mixed reaction from travelers.
“I was in the toilet and the toilet paper was nothing but old spreadsheets from the accounting office,” complained one traveler. “It was kind of rough on my buttocks.”
“This policy is great,” insisted Margot Keensley of Dayton, OH. “Wiping myself with discarded burrito wrappers made my privates smell like salsa.”
“Nothing flushes right anymore,” said Darryl Meadows, a member of SFO’s maintenance staff. “Someone tried to flush a Newsweek after wiping their ass on it. Flooded the entire mens room.”
Airport officials insist the changes are necessary.
“We have to fight climate change,” said Kiera Polumbo of SFO’s Inclusivity and Marketing Department. “Sure our planes dump thousands of tons of greenhouse gases into atmosphere and that’s nothing compared to China, but at least we’re doing something! And something is better than nothing.”
Already, several lawsuits have erupted from the new program.
“One passenger was cut by staples left in some of the papers,” admitted Polumbo. “Also, several people claim we’re spreading disease and unsanitary conditions. But you know what’s even more unsanitary? Global Warming! These people should be thanking me for saving them from an early watery grave!”