Pete Buttigieg Vows to Restore White House Hardwood Floors in First Term

SOUTH BEND, IN – As the campaign season drags on, candidates are spreading across the country outlining their plans for healthcare, climate change, and gun control, but South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg is campaigning on one major issue that the other candidates aren’t talking about: restoring the White House’s hardwood floors within his first term of office.

“The White House has seen many renovations throughout its 220 year history, including a major fire in 1814 and reconstruction in 1948,” said Buttigieg, adding “sadly, the floors have since been neglected, showing signs of wear, scuffing, and being covered over with carpets and rugs, and who knows what kind of damage Trump has done. If elected, I intend to restore them to their natural beauty.”

Buttigieg admits that the restoration of the hardwood floors will consume most of his time for the first 18 months of his presidency, telling BeetPress “When Chasten and I discovered hardwood under the carpets of our home in South Bend, we new we needed to uncover them and bring out their natural beauty. It took us six solid months of sanding, patching, and staining, but in the end it was worth it.”

While the floor restoration of Buttigieg’s 1800 square foot South Bend home was an ambitious project, the White House, with 132 rooms and 55,000 square feet, is a much bigger undertaking, but it’s a task Buttigieg is willing to take on.

“I love getting my hands dirty on home improvement projects, and when I get going on something I stay laser focused until it’s done,” beamed Buttigieg. “I’m going to be doing nothing but floors until late 2022, but I’m hoping to be done in time for our annual holiday gala. I can’t wait to see people’s reactions.”

When questioned whether devoting so much time to restoring the White House’s hardwood floors is the best use of his time as President, Buttigieg exclaimed “I know there are easier options, but I find Pergo and other laminate flooring abhorrent. Plus the real hardwoods, when restored, will add at least 10% to the value of the home. It’s a win – win for taxpayers, and if we finish early, I’m thinking of putting in a subway tile backsplash in the White House kitchen.”

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Categories: Politics, Satire

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