DNC Planning to Nominate Reanimated Hubert Humphrey for 2020 Run

WASHINGTON, DC – With the party struggling to find a standard bearer to represent democrats in the presidential race against Donald Trump in 2020, party insiders are floating the idea of elevating Hubert Humphrey to the nomination, BeetPress has learned.

“Look, the fact of the matter is we have to beat Trump,” said DNC Chair Tom Perez, adding “and it’s looking more and more like none of the candidates we currently have running are going to make it to the 50 percent plus one delegate count needed to secure the nomination.”

Although the former Senator and 38th vice president has been deceased for over 40 years, advances in science have allowed party insiders to reanimate the exhumed corpse of Hubert Humphrey, giving him the opportunity to avenge his presidential defeat in 1968, where he narrowly lost to republican Richard Nixon.

According to sources, democratic party insiders are concerned that Joe Biden will have a poor showing in early primary states, boosting the campaigns of more polarizing candidates like Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren. Though currently in a vegetative state, scientists are making daily progress bringing new life to Humphrey’s long-dormant organs with the expectation that he will be fully cognizant in time for the 2020 Democratic National Convention.

According to CNN political commentator Chris Cillizza, Humphrey’s nomination will likely come after the first round of voting at the convention, saying “I don’t envision a candidate winning the majority of delegates in the first vote, but in the second vote, all bets will be off. There, they’ll bring in the superdelegates and I feel that the party will start to coalesce around Hubert Humphrey. This is why he’s moved into my #toptier”

Neera Tanden, president of the democratic think tank Center for American Progress, commented “we need a candidate that will excite the base, and you’ll find that in Hubert Humphrey. He’s seen what political divisiveness did in the ’60’s and he’s the only candidate best positioned to heal the party, bring democrats together, and end the war in Vietnam.”

Critics of the move feel that Humphrey may be too old to compete effectively with Trump, including Tesla CEO Elon Musk, who said “Humphrey will be 110 when he takes office, and that really concerns me. I think we need a young, visionary entrepreneur like Andrew Yang, who’s offering $1000 to every American. What would you do with an extra $1000 every month? Google Andrew Yang and see for yourself.”

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Categories: Politics, Satire

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