Political Activist Actually Just Sad, Bitter Little Man

NEW YORK, NY – For many political enthusiasts, having your favored candidate lose an election can be a difficult experience, but for Dan Week, Hillary Clinton’s 2016 loss against Donald Trump was personal.

“I’ve been in love with Hillary ever since I first saw her on television in 1992,” admitted Week, wiping a tear from his cheek, before adding “what happened to her was unjust. It was bullshit, and I’m not going to stand for it.”

Rather than wallow in despair, Mr. Week has taken action, forming a political action committee via GoFundMe to launch a mobile billboard campaign against the one person who he feels is responsible for Clinton’s defeat: not the person who won against Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election, but Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont, who opposed Clinton in the 2016 democratic primary.

“What Bernie Sanders did to Hillary in 2016 was disgusting,” said Week, referring to the 39 rallies Sanders held in support of Clinton after endorsing her in July. “He ran a campaign against the greatest democrat in the history of America, and, I’m sorry, that’s fucking ridiculous, pardon my French, no, don’t print that. Fuck Bernie Sanders. He’s not even a real jew. No print it, I don’t give a shit.”

Week, who is connected to the democratic establishment to the extent that he received a birthday card from Center for American Progress [democratic think tank] president Neera Tanden, has decided to focus his energy not on supporting a candidate to defeat Trump in 2020 or benefiting society in away positive way, but by launching a series of anti-semitic and factually dubious smears against Sanders, who vocally implored his supporters to vote for Clinton in the general election against Trump.

“I got an army of people working with me in lockstep,” said Week, who has had no less than five Twitter accounts banned for terms of use violations, is no longer allowed on Instagram, and who often cries himself to sleep clutching a picture of Hillary Clinton. “It is my life’s goal to destroy Bernie Sanders for hurting Hillary. I’ll never get over it. Never. I have billboards sitting outside the number one radio show in New York, emblazoned with the fact the Bernie Sanders runs an illegal cockfighting operation in Queens. It’s a fact, you can look it up.”

Week also said of Sanders, who chose to run within the democratic party instead of as an independent so as not to ensure a near certain re-election victory of Trump, that he’s not even a real democrat, adding “Hillary Clinton should be president. She should be running now. She’s fucking perfect, have you seen those cheekbones? I can’t live in a world in which Hillary is not president, I need some serious help. Can you please get me some help?”

Week then transferred $25 from his GoFundMe account to his personal bank account, donned a Burger King crown, and proceeded to the corner market to pick up a Hungry Man meal to eat alone for dinner.

Editor’s note: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

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