HELL – The Prince of Darkness vomited with rage when Jeffrey Epstein showed up in Hell.
“Jesus Christ!” the Devil reportedly exclaimed, examining a scroll with a list of Epstein’s sins. “I mean— Holy shit— This guy. Holy shit!”
Lucifer convened a meeting of his most debased and horrid Hellspawn to discuss the appropriate punishment. The fiends were, to a demon, stumped.
“Torture is a standard here,” said Beelzebub while consulting a power point presentation showing what he might do to Epstein. “But that’s the least we can do right? If I’m going to pull out the fingernails of a guy who was a thief— Epstein will have to get his nuts cut off or something. I mean, this guy is just a piece of shit.”
“Amy, from H.R., did Epstein’s arrival interview,” Old Scratch relayed. “She came out of the room in tears. Amy’s a two thousand year-old Succubus. She’s seen some shit— Done some shit— Epstein had her rattled!”
“Honestly, I don’t think this Epstein is a good fit for our organization,” said Ziminiar, one of the four demon kings. “I’ve eaten my fair share of souls in my day, but this guy? Something’s wrong with him.”
“He would literally stick his dick in anything,” confirmed Satan. “I mean, he pretty much said as much when I talked to him. I’m not bothered by much, but I found his whole vibe very disturbing.”
“I threw Epstein in a pit of scorpions,” Beelzebub relayed. “And Genghis Kahn crawled out. Asked to be moved to another pit. I mean, that says it all right there.”
Lucifer is pessimistic about Epstein’s punishment.
“I guess I could just impale him on a spire for a few thousand years,” sighed the incarnation of evil. “But I’ve already got transfer requests from every person on the spires nearby. No one wants to be near this maniac. I mean, I might have to build a special wing of Hell just for him at this rate! Do you have any idea of what that costs?!”
“I don’t want to be anywhere near that guy,” said the tortured soul of Pol Pot. “I rather take ten thousand years having my flesh slowly peeled off than be associated with that guy. I mean— I was evil, but that guy— It’s fucked up.”
As of press time, Satan was seen welcoming David Koch with a friendly hug.
© 2019 by Tony DiGerolamo