Susan Sarandon Most Powerful Person in America

LOS ANGELES, CA – When most people think about the most powerful and influential people in America, they often think of presidents, politicians, and captains of industry, but one person, actress Susan Sarandon, has risen to the top of global influence.

Sarandon’s power extends well past her ability to captivate audiences on the big screen into a realm few have been able to achieve: the ability to singlehandedly influence an entire presidential election.

MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow noted this recently, saying “as we were parading pundit after pundit through our studios, all of them saying that Hillary Clinton had a near-certain path to victory, and pointing out that celebrities the likes of Beyonce, Jay Z, Bruce Springsteen, Oprah, Katy Perry, Bobby De Niro, Lady Gaga, Meryl Streep, Ellen all publicly supported Clinton, we were shocked to discover that their star power combined weren’t enough to overtake Susan Sarandon’s support for Jill Stein.”

When Susan Sarandon walked into that voting booth and pulled the lever for the Green Party candidate, she not only erased the 3 million popular vote surplus of Clinton, but astonishingly managed to give Donald Trump a 77 point electoral victory over the first female major-ticket presidential candidate, a level of accomplishment not seen since God Himself created the heavens and Earth.

The 2016 election marks the first time in the history of our nation that one single individual chose a candidate aligned with their values and upturned a two-billion-dollar political machine harnessing the power of her mind to telepathically instruct Hillary Clinton to avoid campaigning in rust-belt states, choose a milquetoast right of center running mate, divert campaign funds to traditionally republican-voting states, and to run a campaign so uninspiring that 100,000,000 people chose to abstain from voting, thereby handing the election to a gameshow host that was almost certain to lose.

“Jesus Christ himself couldn’t have accomplished what Susan Sarandon did by casting her vote for a third-party candidate,” said CNN’s Anderson Cooper, adding “given the fact that millions also choose third-party candidates in every election, it’s all the more remarkable that Mrs. Sarandon alone held such raw and unbridled power in 2016 that she was able to undo the will of 66 million voters.”

Critics of Sarandon have noted that the actress should use her extraordinary talents for good, including Debra Messing who said “someone as powerful as Susan Sarandon should end world hunger or find a cure for cancer, but instead she decided to wield her power to sabotage one of the [greatest] presidential candidates in American history, and for that, I hate her. She should be shamed and heckled until she’s dead.”

As of press time, BeetPress has discovered that had Sarandon cast her vote for Hillary Clinton, the results of the 2016 election would have turned out exactly the same.

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Categories: Entertainment, Politics, Satire

Tags: , , , , , ,

1 reply

  1. Bravo, without a doubt the most well documented piece of news I’ve read in a decade. Thank you.

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