Jeffrey Epstein Asks Judge for 12 Year-old Lawyer

(Elizabeth Williams via AP)

NEW YORK, NY – As the Jeffrey Epstein trial continues, the judge has denied Epstein’s request to have a 12 year-old girl represent him.

“Your honor, this is an outrage,” said Epstein in open court. “I am entitled to the best, most attractive representation I can afford.  I’m fighting for my life here!”

When the judge pointed out that most 12 year-olds aren’t allowed to practice law and don’t have a great grasp of the court system in general, Epstein continued to be insistent.

“That’s why I’m going to work with her, judge!  Closely! Day and night! And who better to have the energy to sustain the long nights of legislative study than a 12 year-old!  I mean, c’mon!”

The argument went on for several minutes.  Epstein offered to let the judge flip through his copy of Teen Vogue. The judge had the magazine confiscated and ordered Epstein to abandon his request.  The defendant broke down in tears.

“But your honor, please!” begged Epstein. “My current lawyer—  He’s just so old, ya know? You know how it is.”

“I’m not sure to what you’re referring, Mr. Epstein,” replied the judge.

“You know—  The gray hair—  It’s a real turn off,” Epstein muttered.  “No offense, but you know.”

The judge lectured Epstein for several minutes about his behavior and that he would be well advised to stay with his experienced legal team.

“I just—  I wasn’t going to fire them—  I just felt that the meetings could be with the 12 year-old.  Fourteen, even. I’d go as high as fourteen,” offered Epstein.

“No!” snapped the judge. “Your behavior is skating very close to contempt, Mr. Epstein!  Consult with your counsel before offering up any of this nonsense again!”

Epstein stayed silent the rest of the hearing. He did, however, draw stick figures representing himself, his current legal team and a shorter stick figure in pigtails.  He added the words, “See how it could be?” and drew a smiley face on his stick figure. The judge had the bailiff confiscate his writing material and pens and threatened to throw him out of court if he spoke or communicated to anyone but his lawyer. 

“I am not asking him again!” his lawyer was overheard saying to Epstein.

As of press time, Epstein has reportedly died of apparent suicide.

© 2019 – Tony DiGerolamo

Categories: Business, Culture, Satire

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