FAIRFAX, VA – After a series of deadly mass shootings over the weekend, the National Rifle Association as reportedly called upon Congress to introduce and block commonsense gun reform legislation.
“Like every American, we’re sickened by the horrifying scenes in El Paso, Dayton, and elsewhere,” said NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre, adding “which is why I’ve personally made calls to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy to authorize the introduction and subsequent blocking of sweeping gun reforms.”
According to NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch, legislation to include mandatory background checks, closing the ‘gun show’ loophole, restricting magazine capacity, and banning certain weapons has been approved to be introduced to Congress, just so long as it dies in committee, fails a floor vote, or is vetoed by the President.
“We care about the safety and wellbeing of everyone in our communities,” said Loesch, who continued “and when we see images of dead and injured children and people fleeing gunfire in panic, it breaks our hearts. This is why it’s important for Congress to take enough action to placate the liberals but not enough action to upset the conservatives.”
Loesch then went on to point out that if more individuals in El Paso and Dayton had been armed, these tragedies may have been avoided.
As of press time, Mitch McConnell, who is currently at home healing from a shoulder injury, was reportedly in the midst of an existential crisis over whether he could even entertain the idea of bringing a gun reform bill to the floor. In the end, he opted to wash 6 Percocet® down with bourbon and go to sleep until America moves on from caring about gun control.