WASHINGTON, DC – Following an abysmal performance in the last round of democratic debates and a series of embarrassing tweets, Americans felt a brief sense of pathos toward the flailing democratic candidate John Delaney before remembering he’s worth over 200 million dollars.
“Oh god, look at Bernie mopping the floor with that poor man,” thought Rose McGregor of Altoona, PA after witnessing the Vermont senator destroy Delaney on the subject of healthcare, before remembering that John Delaney has amassed more wealth than 99.99 percent of Americans.
Another debate spectator, George Holland of Springfield, IL, remarked “they’re coming at that sucker from all angles. Warren’s going at him like he kicked her dog, and, Christ, even Marianne Williamson is throwing it back at his face,” before remembering that Delaney could retire today and live on a yacht in the Caribbean sipping piña coladas for the remainder of his days.
“This guy’s been running for president for almost two years, and has yet to reach 1% in any major poll,” commented Janet Martin, a professor of government at Bowdoin College, adding “most logical people would have dropped out by now, but this poor bastard actually still believes he has a chance.” Martin then paused to remember that John Delaney could write a check to literally open any door except the US Presidency.
Feelings of pity for the former congressman extend past his performance in the debates, with several people citing Delaney’s pathetic response to the shootings in El Paso and Dayton calling for an insurance requirement to own a gun, his badly receding hairline, and his weak jawline as reasons they just feel bad for the man. Then they remember that Delaney is a successful entrepreneur who’s accrued levels of wealth most Americans can’t even comprehend.
“Yeah, fuck that guy,” responded everyone.