This Headline a Deceptive Smear Against Sanders

NEW YORK – You probably won’t read this article, and that’s fine. Our main goal is to subtly get in your mind through our headline that democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is hypocritical, unelectable, unhinged, and loathed by everyone.

Maybe the headline reads Sanders’ Favorability is Plummeting, and accompanied by a grumpy-faced picture of Sanders with a bunch of red arrows trending downward. We’ll quote a cherry-picked poll and purposefully leave out details that Sanders has the highest favorability of all candidates. We won’t mention that Kamala Harris, the candidate we’ve been throwing gold at for the last several months, has an almost zero net favorability.

Perhaps our headline wants to plant a seed in your head that women don’t support Sanders. We may imply that he’s a misogynist based only on the opinion of one millionaire television personality. We’ll likely point to complaints of sexual harassment in his 2016 campaign with a headline like Bernie Sanders Apologizes for Sexual Harassment in 2016 Campaign. Makes you think Bernie was being inappropriate, doesn’t it? Aren’t we clever?

How would you feel about a headline going something like Socialist Label Hurting Bernie Sanders? Does it make you think he’s unelectable? We’ll point out that Trump will hit Sanders hard with that word, but won’t tell you that literally every democrat will be labeled a socialist by Trump and the right-wing media. We won’t explain the nuance between socialism and democratic socialism, that’s not really our job. We won’t remind you that Barack Obama was labeled a socialist and still won two presidential elections.

The headline could easily be Sanders New Hampshire Support Tanking, and you’ll think “wow, he’s a loser, better not vote for him!” At least, that’s what we hope. If you bother to read the article, you’ll see we point to a poll conducted by landlines at 8am on a Saturday morning and compare those numbers with 2016 primary results. Check it out: “Bernie campaign is in free fall according to a new poll, with only 20% support from likely voters in New Hampshire, down over 40 points from where he stood in 2016.” We know then it was a race between two candidates, and now it’s a race between 20. That’s not the point.

Our job in the media is to protect the oligarchy and maintain the status quo. That’s what the people signing our paychecks tell us to do, and we make good money doing it. I just got paid $500 to type Millionaire Bernie Sanders Buys Third House. We’ll even attach a picture of a random lavish mansion just to drive home the point that we want you to think that Sanders is a hypocrite. We have so many headlines to choose from: Hypocrite Sanders Refuses to Pay Staff Living Wage, Hypocrite Sanders Demands Private Jet, Hypocrite Sanders Pays Only 26% Tax Rate, Demands Others Pay 70%. The possibilities are endless, and it doesn’t matter if we support the headline with fact-based evidence or objective reporting. We only want you to form an opinion based on our headline.

We would go on, but we have to finish a glowing article praising Elizabeth Warren’s student loan forgiveness plan.

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Categories: Entertainment, Politics, Satire

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