Breaking: Biden Wins Upcoming Debates!

MIAMI, FL – In what pundits are calling a stunning victory, former Vice President Joe Biden has handedly won both democratic debates at the Adrienne Arsht Center for the Performing Arts in Miami, Florida. Senator Elizabeth Warren finished a distant second, and Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders finished in next-to-last place behind Hawaii Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard.

The debates, which will be held this upcoming Wednesday and Thursday, will give the candidates the opportunity to introduce themselves to American voters and challenge the candidates on their policy positions. Over the course of the debates, Biden will demonstrate the tenacity and conviction democrats feel is paramount to a successful challenge against Trump.

“The former Vice President will clearly articulate his vision for America by reminding us of a time just a few years ago when an articulate, sane man was President and no one had any problems whatsoever,” explained CNN political analyst Chris Cillizza, adding “and by demonstrating that he’s the only person on Earth capable of beating Donald Trump, he’s managed to not only win the debates, but position himself light-years ahead of any other candidate.”

“I guess I won’t be watching the debates since it’s clear that Biden has won by a mile,” former Clinton supporter and graphic designer Sandra Birkhead told BeetPress. “It’s best now for people to recognize Biden’s our only hope against Trump. Electability is very important to me.”

Statistics enthusiast Nate Silver commented “Every time Biden speaks, voters listen, and that directly translates to his polling. After the debates in a couple days, he’s pulling in an unprecedented 89% support from democrats, according to my numbers. It would probably be best to spare everyone else the embarrassment and just call this thing now.”

As of press time, the Biden camp has confirmed that they’re putting the finishing touches on his healthcare proposal that includes strengthening the Affordable Care Act by reinstating the individual mandate and nothing more.


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Categories: Politics, Satire

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