WASHINGTON, DC – Stan Doolittle was hired by the DNC last fall. It is his job every morning to scan the news looking for new candidates to add to official DNC lists and to update the 2020 Democratic Primary Wikipedia page. With Mayor Bill de Blasio’s announcement, Doolittle is facing a unique problem: whether he should be listed under B or D.
“So, I’m looking at the news this morning, and I see that Bill de Blasio has announced he’s running for president. No big deal, there are announcements like this every day,” Doolittle told BeetPress. “So, I go to add him to the list and my first thought was he should go under ‘D’ which would put him next to Delaney. But then I noticed that the ‘d’ in de Blasio is lower case, so maybe he should go under ‘B'”.
Doolittle pondered the conundrum for about 45 minutes.
“So, Delaney has the ‘De’ but it’s capitalized, and there’s no space. It’s all one word, not de Laney, so naturally he goes under ‘D’ and not ‘L’,” continued Doolittle, adding “but de Blasio is two words, so I’m thinking maybe ‘de’ is a middle name? I don’t know. Blasio, Bill de… that doesn’t seem right. Plus there are a lot of B’s anyway – Buttigieg, Booker, Bennett, Biden, Bullock. Not many D’s. Yeah, I’ll definitely put him with the D’s”.
Doolittle admits this is the toughest decision he’s made since Beto O’Rourke entered the race in March.
“With Beto, I wasn’t sure if he should go under the O’s, or the R’s, but then I realized he’d be in the same position either way, between Messam and Sanders,” Doolittle elaborated, “Then Tim Ryan joined in, so I was a little nervous, but he comes after O and Rourke, so thank God I didn’t have to think too much on that one. If Deval Patrick or Martin O’Malley jump in, I’m pretty much fucked”.
As of press time, BeetPress had confirmed that after completing the Wikipedia entry, Doolittle had plans to turn in early in order to wake up refreshed to deal with several more potential candidates expected to enter the race tomorrow.