In a bold move, the Catholic Church finally shut down a priest/altar boy matching app. The app, ALTr, which matched prospective altar boys with priests in need, was evidently being used for something far more sinister.
“We cannot have priests taking altar boys from different parishes. That puts all the best altar boys in the richer parishes. That’s not fair,” said a Vatican spokesman. “That’s all the app was used for and nothing else.”
“May God forgive me for using the app,” prayed Father Lindsey Doughtery of the Winston, NY parish. “I should not have brought altar boys from other parishes to my church and did nothing else with them. It was wrong, but not, you know, that kind of wrong.”
Pope Francis issued a statement saying in part, “The Internet has been a useful tool in informing the faithful. This app was useful in the beginning but it started being used for something else. This “something else” is not the horrible, horrible thing most people would immediately suspect, so everyone just calm down. I swear, it’s not that this time. Please, stop suing us.”
“We have confirmed nothing bad happened by using ALTr,” claimed the app’s creators, Holy Software Enterprises. “We have literally looked over every message sent through the app and there was nothing. Thank God! Oh, praise Jesus there was nothing really, really awful in there!”
Vatican watchers call this a major win for the Catholic Church.
“This is really a turnaround for the beleaguered religion,” stated John Stenop of the Vatican Press Association. “The Church has been in steady decline since certain revelations. We here were all prepared for another shocking announcement, but the real shock is that there isn’t one!”
“I would’ve used that app in a second had it been around when I was a priest,” said disgraced bishop, Anton Tuglio. “It’s amazing that this one time, guys like me didn’t ruin it all.”
This has been such a huge PR victory for the Vatican, there is even talk of designating the now defunct app a holy item.
“I truly believe that God had a hand in keep this app from turning into a massive shitstorm,” said Father Langely of the Titon Falls Parish. “These days, miracles come in all shapes and sizes. And it’s certain a miracle this didn’t turn into a Grade-A clusterfuck.”
As of press time, the Vatican was also considering discontinuing the app BoyHuntr, which matches priests with young boys for sex.
© 2019 – Tony DiGerolamo