Majority of Dems Want Hillary Clinton to Run Again, Says Hillary Clinton

Source: Washington Post

CHAPPAQUA, NY – Citing a lukewarm response to all twenty-two democratic presidential candidates, a majority of democrats are calling for Hillary Clinton to enter the race, according to Hillary Clinton.

“Hillary Clinton won the popular vote in the 2016 election, but was cheated out of the presidency by James Comey, Jill Stein and Russian hackers” said Hillary Clinton, adding “after 4 years of Trump, Americans are ready for bold new leadership, a leader who can move this country in the right direction, and that leader is Hillary Clinton”.

If elected, Clinton would be the first female President of the United States, a historic distinction not lost on voters. According to a recent poll of 400 college-educated, caucasian females aged 45 – 65, Clinton is leading with 85% support, with Elizabeth Warren (6%), Kamala Harris (5%), Kirsten Gillibrand (3%), and Joe Biden (1%) trailing significantly.

“If democrats are serious about beating Trump, now is not the time to discuss policy or other elitist ideas,” said Nate Silver, statistician and editor of fivethirtyeight.com. “This is why it makes so much sense for Hillary to be the nominee. She has the experience, the name recognition, and statistically speaking has a 100% chance of defeating Trump in 2020. Voters don’t want another old white guy”.

Other democrats have voiced their enthusiasm for Hillary Clinton, including Bill Clinton, former president and Arkansas governor, telling BeetPress “Just on experience alone – senator, secretary of state, first lady – Hillary Clinton is an unbeatable candidate. She’s got an army of supporters built in, a solid fundraising apparatus, and no one has ever been more qualified for the presidency. Plus she’s running against Donald Trump and given all this Mueller Report nonsense, there’s no way people would vote for him”.

Behind the scenes, Clinton has been reaching out to party insiders, high value fundraisers in the banking and healthcare sectors, and media executives in an effort to drum up support for her potential run. She’s also been gauging support on Twitter by searching the #StillWithHer hashtag and posting regularly to Facebook, hinting that she may be announcing her candidacy within the next week.

When asked about a potential vice-president pick, Clinton seemed willing to offer an olive branch to progressive voters who tend to favor candidates such as Bernie Sanders, saying “I’m thinking Hickenlooper”.

As of press time BeetPress has confirmed Hillary Clinton had finished writing her acceptance speech and is now in her home library laying out curtain swatches in anticipation of her move back into the White House.

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Categories: Politics, Satire

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1 reply

  1. #NeverHillary means just that. Her arrogance and lust for power gave us Trump. She’s cancer and must be cut out and tossed in the garbage

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