WASHINGTON, DC – In an effort to lessen the number of democratic presidential hopefuls and streamline the democratic primary debates, a super-mediocre hybrid candidate has been created by combining Michael Bennet, Tim Ryan, Eric Swalwell, Seth Moulton, and Jay Inslee.
On the morning of Thursday, May 2nd, the five candidates entered a secret DNC laboratory, and about 6 hours later, a single man known only as Mr. Brims emerged and stepped into a black SUV.
The hybrid candidate then appeared at a press conference where he was introduced to the public and the press by DNC Chair Tom Perez, who made the following statement.
“The Democratic Party is a party of diversity and inclusion, and when we lead with our values, we win. However, twenty-two candidates is becoming a bit much, so we came up with the idea of combining some of the more underwhelming white male candidates into a single hybrid candidate. Let me introduce to you a candidate that has served as governor, senator, and a US representative. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Brims.”
When reached for comment, Perez noted that there were also plans in place to combine Kirsten Gillibrand, Elizabeth Warren, and Amy Klobuchar into a calculating super-woman candidate who would look and act eerily similar to Hillary Clinton.
Democrats have welcomed the new candidate, including Shiela Tiedemann, saying “I know about Kamala, and Biden. I understand there’s a gay one and a guy that might be Spanish or Cuban or something. Where I get confused is with all these unremarkable white guys I’ve never heard of. I’m glad I only have to think about Mr. Brims when deciding who to vote against in my primary,” adding “good god he’s hard to look at.”
Saying only that he’s for good things, and against bad things, the Brims2020.com website has offered little insight into what the hybrid candidate’s policy positions might be, other than he supports access to affordable healthcare and promoting an economy that works for all people.
According to a latest Iowa poll, Mr. Brims is currently polling just behind Julian Castro at 1%.