FAIRFAX COUNTY, VA – After a recent string of active shooter incidents, National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre has introduced a revolutionary new system aimed at protecting the public from homicidal maniacs armed with high powered assault rifles.
“We know that the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun,” LaPierre told reporters, adding “this is why we’ve developed a new system that will allow any good guy ready access to a deterrent firearm in the event of an active shooting.”
The system, colloquially known as an Active Shooter Extinguisher features a wall-mounted AR-15 and a magazine filled with 20 rounds of 5.56 x 45mm ammunition. An instruction placard will instruct the ‘good guy’ to pull the plastic trigger lock tab, take aim at the ‘bad guy’ through the patented Advanced Combat Optical Gunsight, and gently squeeze the trigger to neutralize the suspect. To hasten the neutralizing effect of the extinguisher, the safety switch will be preselected to the fire mode.
According to spokeswoman Dana Loesch, the Active Shooter Extinguisher system will finally put an end to the scourge of mass shootings that have occurred in recent years, saying “I get sick every time I hear of another shooting, because I know that the public will demand action, and the democrats in congress will use it to justify the erosion of our second amendment rights. This will put an end to all of these shootings and we can finally get back to doing what we do best: ensuring that essentially everyone has access to an unlimited number of high power weapons and ammunition.”
According to sources, the NRA has installed 4.5 million active shooter extinguishers in virtually every public space, including school classrooms, places of worship, shopping centers, movie theaters, restaurants and bars, airports, bus stations, stadiums, hospitals, post offices, and government buildings. An additional 750,000 telephone pole-mounted active shooter extinguishers have been installed in urban areas across the county.
Dean Maisano, a second amendment activist and firearm enthusiast praised the move, telling BeetPress “when a fire breaks out, you can’t wait for the fire department – you grab a fire extinguisher and put it out. Same thing when there’s an active shooter. You’re not going to have time to go flag down a cop, you gotta take matters into your own hands, and having a semiautomatic rifle within reach is crucial to stopping those bad guys”.
Marjory Stoneman Douglass High School Principal Ty Thompson welcomed the extinguishers, saying “we all have a sense of security now that we have an Active Shooter Extinguisher in every classroom. The only draw back is that the units tend to go missing.