All Grown Up: Sanders Now Wants to be Called Bernard

Senator Bernard Sanders, an Independent from Vermont and 2020 presidential candidate, speaks during a campaign rally in Chicago, Illinois, U.S., on Sunday, March 3, 2019. Photographer: Daniel Acker/Bloomberg

BURLINGTON, VT – Stating that he is no longer a kid, democratic presidential hopeful Senator Sanders now wants to be called Bernard.

“Look, would you get legal advice from someone named Robby, or medical advice from someone named Susie? I think not”, Sanders told BeetPress. “That’s why, from now on, I want everyone to call me Bernard. I’m grown up now, no more Bernie, okay?”

Sanders was given the Bernie moniker by his brother Larry early in his childhood, a nickname he’s carried throughout his life.

According to Sanders’ wife, Jane, the three-term Vermont senator first mentioned his desire to be called Bernard shortly after Thanksgiving, saying “this year, Bernie – sorry, Bernard, was told that if he combed his hair and put on a tie, and promised not to spill his apple juice, he could sit at the grown-ups table, and since then he’s insisted that he’s an adult now and we should call him Bernard”.

Campaign materials have been updated to ‘Bernard 2020′ and Sanders’ campaign website, http://www.berniesanders.com, now redirects to http://www.bernardsanders.com. At a recent campaign rally in Charleston, SC, supporters were given cardboard signs emblazoned with the word BERNARD, although some attendees expressed confusion as to why.

“I know Bernie is short for Bernard, but why does he want us to call him Bernard now? He’s been the most consistent candidate for decades.” remarked Kate Wasek, adding “We all started chanting Bernie! Bernie! Bernie!, and he stopped up, and said ‘no, no, not Bernie. Bernard,’ and that kind of deflated the mood. Bernard doesn’t roll off the tongue like Bernie does’.

CNN political analyst Chris Cillizza praised the move, commenting “by changing his name to Bernard, Senator Sanders has shown that he is now mature enough to compete with Peter Buttigieg, Joseph Biden, and Robert O’Rourke. After all, Trump didn’t get to where he is by being called Donnie, did he?”

As of press time, Bernard Sanders was confirmed to be unloading 60,000 ‘Bernie 2020’ bumper stickers from a 1999 Subaru Outback at a Burlington area recycling center.

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Categories: Politics, Satire

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