WASHINGTON, DC – The full 448-page partially redacted Report on the Investigation into Russian Interference in the 2016 Presidential Election, or Mueller Report, was released to Congress and the public today. OBSTRUCTION!
According to MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow, the report- “RUSSIA! RUSSIA! RUSSIA!” adding, “those black lines – COLLUSION! RUSSIA! PUTIN! COLLUSION! RUSSIA! PUTIN!”
CNN has been reporting on the report since it’s release COLLUSION! COLLUSION! COLLUSION!
Although there was a certain degree of ambiguity in the report OBSTRUCTION! COLLUSION! RUSSIA! When reached for comment, White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders responded with “NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION!”, words echoed by President Donald Trump.
Shortly after its release, the President tweeted “LIES. RUSSIA. COLLUSION. GAME OVER.”
Within hours of the report’s release Maddow was seen to be in a fetal position screaming “RUSSIA! RUSSIA! COLLUSION! COLLUSION!” before rescuers were able to transport her to a padded safe room.
CNN later began a 45-minute breaking news update with Anderson Cooper looking directly into the camera shouting “COLLUSION! OBSTRUCTION! RUSSIA! IMPEACH!” on loop before setting fire to the CNN studios.
Bloomberg reporter Steven Dennis was later seen running shirtless through Times Square shouting “IMPEACH! IMPEACH! IMPEACH!” at befuddled tourists.
As of press time, BeetPress has confirmed RUSSIA! COLLUSION! PUTIN! OBSTRUCTION! COLLUSION! PUTIN! RUSSIA! OBSTRUCTION!