Beto O’Rourke Joins MS-13

EL PASO – In a move that political pundits are calling controversial, Democratic Candidate Beto O’Rourke joined the notorious street gang, MS-13.  During a press conference, Beto showed off his tattoos and introduced his posse.

“These are my cholos,” Beto announced without a hint of a Mexican accent.  “Since I plan on tearing down the wall, my induction into this violent street gang was natural.”

“Beto is my dawg, yo,” proclaims Juan “Loco” Lucas. “Giving us free reign to cross the border and a living wage?  Yo, that shit is tight, ese!”

O’Rourke then shook Lucas’s hand and embraced him.  The gang member then presented Beto with a chrome plated Glock.

“All your enemies are now our enemies, homie,” Lucas told him.  “Say the word and we will take on all these DNC motherfuckers!”

Beto climbed on top of a counter in an abandoned diner to address his new brothers. 

“We fight and bleed for each other now, fam,” said Beto.  “Because if we don’t doing something about climate change, we’re gonna be dead in twelve years, right?”

“Yeah, fuck climate change!” shouted Manny “Gato” Guiterez.  “I’ll shoot global warming in its fuckin’ face, mang!”

The enthusiastic MS-13 members then had the Democratic presidential candidate run a “gauntlet” in which the other gang members punched and kicked him.  Beto seemed surprised at first, then fell to the ground, trying to protect his head with his arms.

“Yo!  Get up!  Get up, homie!” shouted Lucas.  “You gotta prove you’re a man!  You gotta take it!”

After the savage beating, Beto stood up, helped by the other gang members.  He was bleeding in several places, but Guiterez handed him a cold beer to celebrate, while another gang member tattooed “MS-13” on the inside of O’Rourke’s lip.

“This has been a great day,” lisped the candidate after the tattoo. “There’s nothing better than being embraced by people of color.”

“Homie, we told you we would die for you,” said Lucas a little later.  “Now you gotta show us that you would die for us.  We have to go take care of business.”

When O’Rourke offered to skateboard in front of the other gang members instead, they became angry and ushered him into a waiting low rider.

“Today you become a man, ese.  MS-13 for life!” shouted Guiterez preparing to drive away.

“Yes and universal healthcare!” added O’Rourke, laughing nervously.

“The only people gonna need healthcare today are the Bloods, homie!” vowed Lucas kissing the crucifix around his neck and then driving off.

© 2019 – Written by Tony DiGerolamo

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Categories: Politics, Satire

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