Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders is under fire for reporting that he is now a millionaire due to royalties from his book How to Dupe the Public (by Pretending to Give a Sh*t About Their Problems).
Ahead of releasing his tax returns for the previous 10 years, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders told the New York Times that he is now a millionaire, due in large part to sales of his recent bestseller. “Look, I wrote a best-selling book,” Sanders explained. “If you write a best selling book, you can become a millionaire too”.
According to sources, Sanders’ devious plot to achieve millionaire status began in 1963 when he participated in the march on Washington where Martin Luther King, Jr. gave his seminal I have a dream speech. From there, Sanders laid out a number of steps to a 55-year plan that would allow him to have the authority and credentials necessary to pen a successful best seller.
“In order to make a million dollars on a book, one must sell a lot of copies,” said New York Times Book Review Editor Pamela Paul, who continued “That’s why it was imperative for Mr. Sanders to cultivate an audience over the course of 50 years by generating a persona in keeping with a man of the people. Through his mayorship, time in the House of Representatives, the Senate, and ultimately his presidential campaign, Bernie Sanders was able to methodically and consistently raise awareness to his brand through a populist message, with the goal of generating enough followers to sell enough books to make him a millionaire”.
Critics of Sanders, including New York Magazine journalist Jonathan Chait, note that “The plan is as simple as it is masterful. Pretend to care about income inequality, give lip-service to the idea of Medicare for All and free college tuition, and run a presidential campaign against the most beloved politician in American history successful enough to almost win the nomination, but not successful enough to where you actually have to implement any of these policies, and anyone can become a millionaire at 77 by selling some books to disillusioned youth that actually bought into your message”.
Having achieved his long term goal of financial independence, Sanders is inspiring a new generations of future millionaires, including Boston College student Roy Shelby. “My plan had always been to finish school, get my MBA, and succeed in the business or finance sector, but after hearing Bernie’s story, I’m going to start a non-profit, spend the next 50 or so years scraping by, championing a cause I care little about like clean drinking water in Africa, and then, when people think I actually know what I’m talking about, I’ll write a book about it and be rich. Mark my words, I’ll be a millionaire at 75.”
As of press time, Sanders was spotted at his North Hero, VT vacation home lounging in a kiddie pool filled with 10 dollar bills.