CUPERTINO, CA – Apple has announced that it is developing a brand new app that comes loaded into every iPhone that will alert the user every time he or she [or any gender-neutral pronoun] should be outraged.
“Apple is always innovating. And with our partners in Silicon Valley, we’ve developed a patented software that alerts the user we he or she or they should be morally righteous and outraged. It’s a great time saver,” say Lori Speedwell, an Apple spokesperson.
Available in the App Store for older iPhones, the Self Outrage Reminder Encourager or S.O.R.E. App for short, is undeletable and monitors the Internet for anything the user might find objectionable. Critics of the app say it still needs some adjustment.
“I used my phone to take a picture of a problematic character in Pokemon Go, a sexist billboard and a phallic looking pole— None of them were flagged by the app!” reported Shirley Libson, a sophomore at U. of Penn. “If I can be outraged faster than the app, then how is this saving me time?”
“Please, we’re updating the app as fast as possible,” assured the S.O.R.E. app’s creator, Whitney Bonner. “It’s just that, I get pretty triggered by criticism, so I have to go to my safe space and then work stops on the app— So if everyone could just STFU for a few minutes?!”
Safe spaces are the next order of business for the app.
“We’re working with local municipalities to create safe spaces in their communities,” explained Bonner. “Then if the app tells you that you’ve been triggered by something, it’ll map the quickest route to the safe space so you can recover.”
“There was a piece of dust that looked like a spider and the app picked up on it right away,” said Thomas Vetto, 29, of Boston. “I didn’t have to waste time thinking about it, I could just be outraged immediately.”
“The app’s incredible!” said Lori Dunnely of Brooklyn. “It got into my Tinder and other dating apps and blocked anyone that could possibly trigger me. I mean, now I have no one to swipe, but who cares? I don’t have to think about. That’s what the app is for.”
“We envision a world in which the S.O.R.E. App takes the human dimension out of decision making,” explained Bonner. “I think someday the app will be mandatory for everyone.”
© 2019 Written by Tony DiGerolamo