Mueller Pulls All-nighter to Finish Report

WASHINGTON, DC – A visibly exhausted Robert Mueller turned in his report to the Justice Department on Friday almost 30 minutes past the deadline.

“Listen, I’ve had a lot going on in my personal life, and I’m trying to juggle a bunch of different things, and I’m hoping you’ll still accept my report, even though it’s just a few minutes late,” a puffy-eyed Mueller pleaded with Attorney General William Barr. “I know it’s just a summary for now, but the full report will be better, I promise”.

The four-page document turned over to the Justice Department outlined key points of the two-year investigation into possible collusion between Donald Trump and Russia as well as obstruction of justice.

“You’ve had two years to finish this report, and this is what you give me?” Asked an irritated Attorney General. “A lot of people are relying on you to get this right. Rachel Maddow has staked her entire career on this, and you waltz in here a half an hour past the deadline with a few crumpled pieces of paper and expect me to be satisfied? Christ, the bibliography is just three Wikipedia links.”

While the report technically satisfied the requirements of the assignment, Mueller admitted he has a problem with procrastination. “I guess I need to work on my time management skills, but every time I sat down at the computer to write it out, something would come up,” Mueller told BeetPress. “I figured I still had a few weeks to get it done, and suddenly it’s Thursday afternoon and I’ve only got a title and half of the outline”.

As the Special Council worked on the report well into the night, he thought of different ideas to make the report seem more substantial, including increasing the font size to 13-point Times New Roman and adding an extra quarter inch to the margins. He also toyed with the idea of adding a double space between paragraphs, but decided against it.

With Congress and the American people expecting a release of the full report in April, Mueller admits he still has a lot of work to do. “I have a bunch of interviews and depositions I haven’t even looked at, so I’ll be able to get quite a bit more information in there. I’m just glad I got the assignment in Barr’s hands and I can finally breathe a little bit”.

Leave a Reply