ATLANTA – CNN, the 24 hour news network, had struggled with its ratings in the past, but a recent spokesman charting its future said there may not be enough tragedy to sustain Cable TV News.
“Some blame the Internet or our terrible reporting or plunging credibility or complete lack of objectivity in politics,” said Wolf Blitzer in an interview. “But the real story is, not enough people are dying.”
“Sure Boeing crashed some planes and that was great!” said Don Lemon excitedly. “But these days, I need plane crashes every week or my ratings turn to shit.”
The recent massacre in New Zealand, where fifty people died, momentarily lifted the spirits of everyone in the CNN newsroom.
“It was coming across the wire and I just go so excited!” Anderson Cooper explained. “I got that rush where I knew it was going to be good for us for the next week, but then they immediately caught the guys. So for a minute, I got bummed. You kind of hope when something like this happens, he might get away for a while— you know, international fugitive stuff. I just keep picturing him being chased and killing people along the way. Can you even imagine the ratings then?!”
“It’s almost a sexual excitement,” explained Chris Cuomo. “When the New Zealand stuff came across the wire— I’m not afraid to say it— I got aroused. It’s terrible to say, but I can’t even get to full mast anymore without at least a dozen people dying in some disaster. Sometimes I have to go onto YouTube and watch the 9/11 footage over and over again.”
Despite the recent spate of lucky news for the reporters, the CNN news room continues to be a place of stress. Even a rash of mysterious CNN intern suicides couldn’t lift their spirits.
“This is a very competitive and pressure fueled business, but we’re not ghouls,” explained new CNN CEO Vlad Tepes XXIV from his darkened office in an Atlanta skyscraper. “But if it bleeds, it leads. That’s always been the rule in the news industry and I’ve been a part of it for hundreds of…weeks.”
© 2019 – Written by Tony DiGerolamo