DENVER, CO – Citing a lack of media coverage or general awareness of his presidential campaign, former Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper relaunched his 2020 bid during a press conference on Monday.
“Maybe you didn’t get the memo last time, or maybe I wasn’t clear enough, but I’m running for the democratic nomination to defeat Donald Trump in 2020”, Hickenlooper announced, waving his hand toward the three reporters in attendance. “Hey, pay attention. I’m trying to tell you something here”.
As a small gathering of confused individuals looked on, Hickenlooper appeared to become increasingly agitated.
“What do you want me to do, jump on a table? I brought a table”, the apparent candidate continued while pulling a small folding table toward the podium. “Look how pumped up I am! America is the great beacon of hope and the land of limitless opportunity. Why isn’t anyone taking pictures or writing anything down!”
As the small group in attendance looked down at their phones, Hickenlooper sat down on the edge of the table, taking a more desperate approach to the proceedings. “I own a brew pub, that must appeal to someone. I got a DUI too, just like Beto. Is this because I’m against legalized pot? Our state passed legal weed, I didn’t do anything to stop it. Come on, I’m just as old and white as Bernie and Biden if that’s what you want”.
When asked for their opinions, undecided voters seemed ill-informed of the Colorado politician’s candidacy. “Oh the guy with the weird name? You’re not talking about Buttigieg are you?” asked Toby Wentworth, a voter from Madison, Wisconsin. Similarly, another voter, Stacy Brown from Eugene, Oregon added “Is he the guy who’s running on climate change? It’s not the Starbucks guy, right? I don’t know who this person is”.
As of press time, BeetPress confirms that the apparent candidate was walking alone through downtown Denver taping Hickenlooper 2020 posters to store windows before entering a diner to eat salad with a comb.