Disney, the makers of the Captain Marvel movie, have revealed the new Captain Marvel action figure. A spokesman for the company assured reporters that the figure is full poseable and will be the hottest selling toy this Christmas, unless you are a sexist pig.
“We’re putting everyone on notice now. It’s what we should’ve done with the movie,” said a Disney spokesman. “This toy will not fail to sell millions, unless you’re some kind of misogynist that hates women. Get out of your parents basements, trolls, and pre-order this doll now.”
Sales of toys to girls have been on the decline for years and typically, the action figure market is dominated by male purchases, but that isn’t stopping Disney.
“Our new marketing strategy involves lecturing the customer,” explained Penny Govins, Disney’s VP of Gender-based Marketing. “Our gender based customer studies indicate that when a marketing campaign goes badly, it’s often the marketing executives that get the blame. By preemptively telling the customer what they want, it’s now on the customer if the purchase isn’t made.”
“Sure, I was going to buy the Captain Marvel figure,” said Donnie Bevels, a 16 year-old action figure collector. “I’ve been collecting all the MCU stuff, but when I got to the store, the owner demanded that I “check my white privilege. Then she wanted to charge me more because I was a guy. I just said, forget it.”
“Typical sexist and toxic fan,” Govins explained smugly. “We don’t need his money. Any man that can’t admit how harmful his existence is to women, doesn’t deserve a Captain Marvel figure or to live in society.”
Despite initial low sales, the line of Captain Marvel figure accessories are moving forward this Christmas. They include several dozen cats, a Jack Rabbit vibrator, a t-shirt that says “Ask me about my feminist agenda” and a laptop computer with The Mary Sue website on the screen.
“And Captain Marvel doesn’t come with a boyfriend, because she doesn’t need a man,” noted Govins. “I’m perfectly happy— I mean, she’s perfectly happy with her cats and life! Perfectly happy.”
© 2019 Written by Tony DiGerolamo