Twitter Bans Everyone That’s Ever Tweeted the Word “Conservative”

Twitter users across the U.S. were shocked when Twitter banned every Twitter user that ever posted the word “conservative” in their feed on Thursday.

“I’m not even political,” said Todd Chesters of Salt Lake City, Utah. “I just posted to my friends that I might be ten minutes late and that it was a conservative estimate.  Now I’ve been banned from Twitter.”

CEO Jack Dorsey insisted that the Twitter ban wasn’t political. “We don’t discriminate against anyone because of their political beliefs,” insisted the tech giant as he continued to delete users. “If everyone would just adopt the same opinion, we wouldn’t have this problem.  What is so hard to understand?”

All across Twitter, Republicans completely disappeared from the social media platform.  It wasn’t just outspoken YouTube celebrities like Ben Shapiro and Steven Crowder, but it was also every member of the GOP in the Senate and House of Representatives except for Mitt Romney.  Strangely, the algorithm did not ban Donald Trump and a spokesman for Twitter claimed that it was only because Trump spelled “conservative” wrong in every tweet he used the word.

But by Friday, the algorithm hadn’t just banned Republicans…

“I was shocked that I was been banned,” said former Vice President and Presidential hopeful, Joe Biden.  “Do these people even understand how to use words?”

“I was really hoping to use Twitter to rally my supporters and criticize conservatives,” said Beto O’Rourke.  “Dorsey donated to my campaign.  What the Hell is he doing?”

“I’m like, so triggered or something,” said Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, her voice trailing upwards.  “The Twitter computer stuff, should be like, free.  I’m banned now and I blame Capitalismness.”

According to Wired, Dorsey has deleted 45% of his own user base.  This has sent Twitter stock price into a slump. 

“It could’ve been much much worse,” said broker, Alan Cedgewick.  “But half the guys that wanted to sell couldn’t tweet to their broker before they got banned.”       

But Dorsey seems unrepentant and determined to get discussion on his platform calm and safe.  The remaining users have suggested banning the words, “right”, “Trump” and “America”.  Several users have suggested banning all white people.

“That we won’t do,” says Dorsey.  “We are experimenting with making the font for white people five times smaller than that of other users to create verbal reparations.”

© 2019 – Written by Tony DiGerolamo

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Categories: Business, Satire

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