Cohen Says Trump Didn’t Hold Elevator Door

WASHINGTON, DC – In another shocking revelation that rocked Washington D.C., former attorney for Trump, Michael Cohen, revealed to his lawyers that once Trump failed to hold an elevator for him in the Trump Tower.

“I looked him right in the eye,” said Cohen in a prepared statement. “The doors were closing. I looked to see if his hand was moving toward the button to hold it, but nothing. I still have nightmares.”

Within an hour of the revelation, Representative Adam Schiff (D-CA) was quick to condemn the president for his behavior and to call for opening up a new investigation into Trump’s elevator habits.

“What we’re seeing here is a president with no compassion whatsoever for the needs of his fellow man.  He didn’t just shut the door on Michael Cohen, he let it shut on the American People,” said Schiff somberly.

Representative Maxine Waters (D-CA) echoed Schiff’s sentiment at a hastily assembled press conference.  “If you see a Republican trying to get on an elevator, do what Trump did! They deserve to be standing there!  Waiting for the damn thing while you get to your floor! If they don’t want us all to rise up, then we will leave them on the bottom floor for a change!”

The White House denied that the president would remember such a small and routine encounter with Cohen, but mere minutes later, Trump tweeted something that seemed to contradict that assertion.

“Cohen the Fatty.  Should have moved faster.  Maybe if he had hurried more on a treadmill he could’ve gotten on elevator with me.  I’m a busy man!” tweeted Trump.

The Washington Post, CNN, MSNBC and several other news outlets are calling the scandal “Elevator-Gate”.  With headlines like “Will Elevator-Gate Shut the Door on the Trump Presidency?” and “What Floor For Impeachment?”, pundits are once again calling the Trump Administration finished.

Cohen’s lawyer hinted that there could be other explosive allegations including that Trump once bumped into Cohen in the hallway and once didn’t offer him a piece of gum.  Already the websites Vox News and Slate are investigating the rumor that Trump may have failed to reply to one of Cohen’s texts and that he didn’t offer Cohen a chair when he was in Trump’s office.

“I just want my life back!” sobbed Cohen to reporters.  “In some ways, I never left the ground floor that day!”

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Categories: Politics, Satire

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