Man Who Lost to Ted Cruz to Run Against Man Who Beat Ted Cruz

EL PASO, TX – Beto O’Rourke, who valiantly lost in the senate race against Ted Cruz, one of the most detested politicians in America, has announced that he is running for President of the United States against Donald Trump, a man who easily beat Ted Cruz in the 2016 republican primaries.

“Let me be the first to say, I’m here to serve you”, O’Rourke announced in a campaign kickoff video Thursday morning. O’Rourke, who was a member of the House of Representatives serving Texas’s 16th District until January, ran an unsuccessful U.S. senate campaign against Ted Cruz, a man so repulsive that even his own daughter refuses to kiss him.

Born Robert Francis O’Rourke, the ostensibly white presidential hopeful who took the name Beto as a small child, has announced that his main campaign platform consists of making America better by beating the sitting president, Donald Trump, who swiftly and handedly defeated Cruz, whose livery lips and creepy smile have been the source of frequent nightmares experienced by children and adults on a nightly basis.

“I plan to travel across this great nation, and hear what you have to say”, continued O’Rourke, a one-time musician in the band Foss, who, despite out-raising his opponent nearly 2 to 1, lost the Texas senate election to a man many believe to be the Zodiac Killer, and who won 30 fewer states than Donald Trump in the 2016 Republican Primary.

O’Rourke (left) with his band Foss

O’Rourke, who previously endorsed former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in the 2016 Democratic Primary and who went on to lose the presidential election by 77 electoral votes to Donald Trump, offered a pledge to “come together to unite a divided country”. It should also be noted that O’Rourke lost to the ostensibly hispanic and Canadian-born Rafael Edward Cruz, a slug-like politician who leaves a trail of mucus behind him whenever he slithers down the hallowed halls of Congress, in the 2018 senate race.

A spokesperson of the Beto 2020 campaign told BeetPress that Mr. O’Rourke plans to secure the democratic nomination by highlighting his skills as a bass player and offering platitudes such as tackling immigration reform, expanding access to healthcare, and fighting against climate change, as well as challenging Ted Cruz, a man who evokes feelings of nausea at the mere mention of his name, to an arm-wrestling match, adding “you might not know by looking at him, but Beto’s got pretty good game”.

Categories: Politics, Satire

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