Warren Introduces College-Bribery-for-All Plan

BOSTON, MA – In an effort to even the playing field in the college acceptance process and appeal to working class families, democratic presidential hopeful Senator Elizabeth Warren has unveiled her College-Bribery-for-All plan at a campaign rally in Springfield.

According to details released on her website elizabethwarren.com, families with under $120,000 of annual income will be eligible for up to $50,000 per child 16 – 20 years of age to use towards bribes to coaches, recruiters, and admissions staff to any private college or university in the United States. The funds may also be used towards charitable contributions to institutions of higher learning and counseling services such as Key Worldwide who offer assistance by writing college essays and taking SAT, ACT and other placement tests on behalf of prospective students. Another key component of Warren’s plan includes lifting restrictions on selecting certain qualifiers such as Native American or other racial status to give students an edge on college applications.

“I’ve met a lot of families on the road. People like Sheila and Brandon Crosswell, who simply could not afford to bribe the soccer coach at Yale University to accept their lazy and overweight son Gabe as a recruit on their team, a recruitment that would have paved the way for Gabe’s acceptance into the University”, Warren told supporters at the rally. “Or people like Beth and Donald Ramsey, who, despite working part time jobs to make ends meet, couldn’t find the additional money to contribute to Key Worldwide mentoring program, a mentorship that would have allowed someone else to take their daughter Jeanette’s ACT exam, thus paving the way for the otherwise mediocre student’s acceptance into Pepperdine University. I hear stories like this all across this country”.

Upon Warren’s announcement, California Senator Kamala Harris announced her own Bribery-for-All-Plan, although somewhat more conservative. “We simply can not afford $50,000 per student, where are we going to get the money?” Harris asked donors at a fundraising event at the home of Felicity Huffman. “This is why I have proposed a plan, a very fair plan, that will allow $15,000 per student, per family, to use for bribes as they see fit. I feel this number is more than enough to secure a place for your burnout son or daughter in any second-tier university”.

CNN political commentator Chris Cillizza reacted critically to Senator Warren’s plan, but had praise for Harris’s. “$50,000 is moving into dangerously socialistic territory. Senator Harris’s plan is all about greasing the wheels for working families in a way that makes sense, and in a way that our economy can handle. I’m thrilled to see that she’s taking such a pragmatic approach to the increasing problem of meritless-based college acceptance”.

Voters have reacted favorably to the plan. Pamela Winters, a mother from Richmond, VA, told BeetPress “I have two dimwitted children, and I’d never be able to find the resources to bribe their way into George Washington or Georgetown like some celebrity, so this is welcome news. It really sets Senator Warren apart from the other candidates”.

Categories: Politics, Satire

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